question

Two summers ago I was at my older brother's undergrad graduation party. I was explaining to a table of cousins, aunts, and my grandmother my plans to move to New York and what I wanted to do here. As I was talking, I saw the faintest shadow of doubt flicker in their eyes. If they had been less subtle I would have gotten the patronizing nod of affirmation. They didn't even have the wherewithal to smile at me as I was going on. I could see, perhaps, or feel the grating of memory on their minds of their faded intentions for their own lives. There was something about the energy at the table that was charged, and uncomfortable. When I was finished speaking I added an addendum to my diatribe: "Look, I know this all sounds naively optimistic", I said, "but I'm still young and I reserve that right!"

They smiled then as if what I said relieved them of whatever burden they felt for the possibility of my impending failure.

I'm wondering now, as I get older, what excuse I will have for retaining my idealism.