Here's a question: Is it better to be truly independent and ONLY be responsible for yourself (as an unwed, non-parent), or should we take other people's feelings and wants and needs into consideration to the point where we're deterred from what's best for ourselves, or deterred from our own impulses to satisfy ourselves?
Coming from the midwest, I was raised (I think) to be considerate of others, to keep my mouth shut if I didn't have anything nice to say, and to always say please and thank you. These lessons are common in most of the US and they seem nice and simple and harmless enough. They encompass "values", and are anti-confrontational (that might not be a word). They highlight good Christian beliefs (although we could have just as easily adopted the "eye-for-an-eye" doctrine, if we're talking about molding our lives around the good book), and wholesomeness. These lessons make for good boys and girls, right? And isn't the world a better place when people are good and nice and kind; wouldn't there be less wars, less fighting? If only we could get everyone to be considerate, say please and thank you, and for Christ's sake not ever say anything to offend anyone.
I wonder though, what behavior really comes from such good intentions? Is it kindness, or underhanded manipulation in order to trick someone into giving them what you want, because to say so would be inappropriate or uncomfortable? Is it consideration, or is it an extreme selfishness tucked deep down b/c it isn't right to want things for yourself? Is it reponsibility or an impulse to rebel and be reckless because the weight of feigned ownership is mind numbingly crushing?
I've struggled with what I first perceived as "rudeness" and now see as honesty; it was difficult seeing people act in ways only to satisfy themselves, which I thought was bad, but now I see is liberating. I've also struggled with feelings of complete disconnectedness, not being responsible for other people's feelings is lonesome, too. And maybe that is where the impulse derives from. Maybe "politeness" isn't about doing better to others, or making the world a better place. Maybe it's just about feeling less alone.
If that's the case, then maybe we should teach ourselves to be honest about the way that we feel instead of hiding everything inside. Maybe, we should give people the freedom to look out for who they choose, instead of burdening them with the task of looking out for everybody. Maybe the path to creating good boys and girls is to educate them as thoroughly and honestly as we can. And maybe we should give up the ghost of treating everyone and everything the same. Maybe we should treat people on an individual basis, based on the reality that we all have different abilities and know that to ostracize one group for only one reason could be just as bad as overcompensating another group for only one reason.
Maybe there is a way to celebrate individuality without corraling people into a sense of sameness, by not dictating how they should behave, letting them choose for themselves...and maybe (gasp!) the eye-for-an-eye doctrine isn't such a bad idea for people who actively choose to hurt others.
In english-translated ancient Greek manuscripts, the word "virture" comes up quite a lot. They thought "virtue" was the highest and best quality to shoot for. We see virtue as a religious term that means piety, service and without selfishness. We were mistaken in what the word originally meant. It wasn't a synonym for spotless perfection and avoiding all mistakes. It simply meant potential. The most wise philosophers thought the only thing that mattered was reaching your potential.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
blowing smoke up your what?
So last night I got into a disagreement with Masha. My need to play devil's advocate came mostly from an annoyance about the way she made her case and less about the actual issue itself.
She is hardly ever at home, maybe three nights a week, never during the day. She's also a hypochondriac and has an unbelievably low threshold for discomfort of any kind b/c she's an only child. She is bothered by anything that causes her the slightest discomfort and thinks that she should be granted the right to have everything HER way.
A while ago Dan asked her to not open her window without a screen b/c it lets bugs in. Her argument was that it's her room and she can do with it what she wants and it was wrong of Dan to ask that of her. All she would have had to do was buy a screen, which she hasn't done.
Last night Dan asked if I wanted to go smoke on the roof, and then kind of out of nowhere Masha said to me, "Do you mind not smoking in your room anymore?" I was surprised and the nicotene addict in me was adamantly opposed to the idea. I said, "I kind of do mind, actually."
Her arguments were so weak, obviously bullshit, and the worst part is that she actually changed the tone of her voice to one that was more whiny and childish than it usually is, while she seemed to be on the point of tears. Clearly, this a tactic she uses to get her way. What's sad is that it's worked so much she's adopted it into adulthood.
She said that her room "fills with smoke", which I had to correct her and say wasn't physically possible. Then she said that she asked Dan if this was a smoking apt when she moved in and he said no, so she expected there not to be smoking and therefore I shouldn't smoke. I told her that when I moved in (months before her) smoking in my room was okay, so I have a different expectation, and asked her why her expectation was more important than mine. She answered b/c smoke is bad for you. But it isn't an issue of second hand smoke, since my door is kept closed and she isn't in my vicinity.
What she's really talking about is not liking the smell, but even she knows that is a little ridiculous, so she keeps up the smoke issue saying that it gives her headaches (and this is when the verge of tears tactic comes in), she literally whines about the "headaches" three times. This is, however, the first time she's ever said that she has gotten headaches from the smoking, she's lived in the apt for six months, which leads me to believe it's a bullshit lie.
She says that she's sick, which she is right now. So I tell her that I respect the fact that she's ill and won't smoke during that time, but I can't concede to stopping on a permanent basis. I remind her that she's hardly ever home, so she tells me that fine, I can smoke when she isn't there, but not when she is. This totally negates her first request that I quit smoking in my own room altogether.
Then she says that she doesn't understand why I smoke in my room when it's so "easy" to go outside. I live at the top of a three floor walk up where occasionally in the summer time fights break out across the street and it's a good idea to be indoors and not to seem like a busybody. The hatch on the roof is a hassle, not to mention the ladder you have to climb up to access the roof. I don't tell her these things but instead stick to the real issue which is that I pay rent to live in the apartment and use my bedroom area as I choose.
Her argument is falling to pieces now. She mentions the window/screen incident and says that "fine", if I'm going to smoke in my room then she's going to open her window without a screen whenever she pleases. She then says in reference to the discomfort my smoking causes her , "well it's mostly when more than one person is in your room smoking." She has completely defeated her purpose and revealed the truth. All she had to ask for was there not to be a group of people smoking in my room when she's at home because the smell of smoke is really bothersome. I would have bitterly conceeded, but conceeded nonetheless. I should mention that it's rare for there to be more than myself smoking in my room.
One of the best parts was when she said that's she's "mentioned it before." I was tempted to explain to her that I am not her mother and it isn't my job to parse her whining into hints in order to make her life as easy and carefree as possible; but we have to choose our battles.
Satisfied with my victory, I have decided to try and not smoke in my room on the nights when Masha is home. Smoking is bad for me and I could stand to cut back.
She is hardly ever at home, maybe three nights a week, never during the day. She's also a hypochondriac and has an unbelievably low threshold for discomfort of any kind b/c she's an only child. She is bothered by anything that causes her the slightest discomfort and thinks that she should be granted the right to have everything HER way.
A while ago Dan asked her to not open her window without a screen b/c it lets bugs in. Her argument was that it's her room and she can do with it what she wants and it was wrong of Dan to ask that of her. All she would have had to do was buy a screen, which she hasn't done.
Last night Dan asked if I wanted to go smoke on the roof, and then kind of out of nowhere Masha said to me, "Do you mind not smoking in your room anymore?" I was surprised and the nicotene addict in me was adamantly opposed to the idea. I said, "I kind of do mind, actually."
Her arguments were so weak, obviously bullshit, and the worst part is that she actually changed the tone of her voice to one that was more whiny and childish than it usually is, while she seemed to be on the point of tears. Clearly, this a tactic she uses to get her way. What's sad is that it's worked so much she's adopted it into adulthood.
She said that her room "fills with smoke", which I had to correct her and say wasn't physically possible. Then she said that she asked Dan if this was a smoking apt when she moved in and he said no, so she expected there not to be smoking and therefore I shouldn't smoke. I told her that when I moved in (months before her) smoking in my room was okay, so I have a different expectation, and asked her why her expectation was more important than mine. She answered b/c smoke is bad for you. But it isn't an issue of second hand smoke, since my door is kept closed and she isn't in my vicinity.
What she's really talking about is not liking the smell, but even she knows that is a little ridiculous, so she keeps up the smoke issue saying that it gives her headaches (and this is when the verge of tears tactic comes in), she literally whines about the "headaches" three times. This is, however, the first time she's ever said that she has gotten headaches from the smoking, she's lived in the apt for six months, which leads me to believe it's a bullshit lie.
She says that she's sick, which she is right now. So I tell her that I respect the fact that she's ill and won't smoke during that time, but I can't concede to stopping on a permanent basis. I remind her that she's hardly ever home, so she tells me that fine, I can smoke when she isn't there, but not when she is. This totally negates her first request that I quit smoking in my own room altogether.
Then she says that she doesn't understand why I smoke in my room when it's so "easy" to go outside. I live at the top of a three floor walk up where occasionally in the summer time fights break out across the street and it's a good idea to be indoors and not to seem like a busybody. The hatch on the roof is a hassle, not to mention the ladder you have to climb up to access the roof. I don't tell her these things but instead stick to the real issue which is that I pay rent to live in the apartment and use my bedroom area as I choose.
Her argument is falling to pieces now. She mentions the window/screen incident and says that "fine", if I'm going to smoke in my room then she's going to open her window without a screen whenever she pleases. She then says in reference to the discomfort my smoking causes her , "well it's mostly when more than one person is in your room smoking." She has completely defeated her purpose and revealed the truth. All she had to ask for was there not to be a group of people smoking in my room when she's at home because the smell of smoke is really bothersome. I would have bitterly conceeded, but conceeded nonetheless. I should mention that it's rare for there to be more than myself smoking in my room.
One of the best parts was when she said that's she's "mentioned it before." I was tempted to explain to her that I am not her mother and it isn't my job to parse her whining into hints in order to make her life as easy and carefree as possible; but we have to choose our battles.
Satisfied with my victory, I have decided to try and not smoke in my room on the nights when Masha is home. Smoking is bad for me and I could stand to cut back.
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