TBC or TBD

Prepare yourselves for a Carrie Bradshaw-esque post. 


 I didn't get cliched comments when I was younger about loving yourself, having respect for yourself, not putting up with unseemly behavior from love interests. I literally did not understand what it meant in relation to me. Nice guys seemed all too boring. The ones looking for a relationship seemed, well, not much of a challenge or a catch. They weren't always the best looking ones in the crop either. But now that I'm not as young as I used to be the term "all the good ones are taken" has frightfully taken on a new meaning. I'm sure all the good ones are not ever taken at any one time. But, I am sure the girls who snap them up like themselves. It occurs to me recently that women need a very serious booster shot containing self-love.


I am the quintessential chase-after-the-bad-boy kind of girl. While all girls love the chase, I seem to love it to a higher degree. This puts me at odds with the boys I chase after, since men also seek to pursue. At any rate, those guys who are not available for one reason or another intoxicated me. I was seduced by their nonchalant attitude and self absorption. They also tended to be pretty good between the sheets and quite handsome (vanity also came with the looks). 


Overtime I realized where this drive was coming from, it's really all too transparent. And I'd like to think that I've moved on from it. I was the unstoppable force crashing into the immovable object one too many times. Love stinks and so does the lack of common sense inherent in immaturity. I have to admit that as a natural story teller, I loved the drama. I loved going to my girlfriends and explaining the latest episode that may or may not have a TBC attached to it. Or, at least that's how I liked to think of it or tell it. Of course there was always a TBC and a TBD and that's the way I functioned best. That mystery, keeping something to the unknown made it safe, kept it playful and so on and so forth.


But, this is the thing...I've seen my former behavior mirrored by someone I'm close to and I cringe. Whatever the reasons, it's clear that antics such as sleeping with an ex in town for the weekend or starting a flirtatious friendship with a guy already in a relationship, who lives some distance away, are shallow ways to validate oneself. And what's worse, they're ways that are bound to fail. Why set yourself up for failure? Loneliness, something to talk about and maybe most importantly, this deep seeded fear that you can't do better. Or maybe at this time you don't even want to. I've found when my goals are off and I'm unsure of my future, so is my ability to do anyone any good in a relationship capacity.


I think complex women of some intellectual bearing might be fraught with similar insecurities, especially as they age. But, the fact of the matter is most women who settle down earlier are just simpler. And because most people are simple (not to mean that as an insult) in their wants from life, it makes sense that most people link up sooner. Am I getting off-topic? Perhaps.


So, this is my Carrie moment: Is it better to be single with no immediate prospects and have your sense of dignity and self respect or is it better to be fucking around in ways you shouldn't just to have SOMETHING? I can only say that I used to subscribe to the latter, but lately the former is growing on me.


We all make mistakes. We all do things later on we wish we hadn't. I don't mean to judge. But I do mean to point out that while you might be able to romanticize away your insecurities like I did, it all amounts to the same thing. We are the company we keep. We get out of life what we put into it. The level of respect we have for ourselves is the gauge others have to know how much respect to give us. And behaving in ways that say you don't mind a wishy-washy situation and you don't want the things you do you want is like wearing a sign that says "don't take me seriously. Don't respect me." It's a sign that's read all too clearly and stringently abided by, which isn't fair but is simply the truth.