I actually don't know how to start this. I was going to wait until I was gone or on some beach in some tropical location to write this post. After all, it's a lot easier to write about your next move when the success of which has already come to fruition. But today is as good a day as any.
I started this blog on the insistence of a friend of mine three years ago. The suggestion planted the seed. And then another friend started his own travel blog and I saw how easy it really was. This friend of mine had lived in New York for about a year and then decided to take some of the bundles of money he made working in finance on the road. He was going to travel for a year. When he left he said that he'd come back to live in NYC--he never did. We actually had a bit of a falling out before he left. I accused him of leaving because NYC just wasn't for him (he's from LA), which he denied. "It's okay," I said, "You can admit it if you don't like it." He wouldn't. And of course he was reacting to my haughty attitude just underneath the surface of my accusations. "It's not for you...but it's for ME! hahahaha."
The first post I ever intended to write was going to be called "Not Flaking Out" in direct response to his leaving. That wasn't the first post I wrote. The first was a sort of literary ode to NYC that is now buried under 150 other posts. Five years later...my goodness...I'm going to go ahead and say that New York is not for me anymore. And what's sort of ironic is that on my way out, I'm not sure it ever was, which is probably why I was so quick to accuse my friend of the thing I might have been in denial of about myself.
I've written some posts trying to explain what New York is like for the uninitiated and they're usually in favor of the place. Rationalization...is a useful thing. Of course my first instinct upon leaving is to write something about how much this place sucks and why it sucks and blah blah blah ad nauseum. I'm not going to do that.
What I am going to say is that I've learned more about myself than I would have if I'd just stayed in my home town wondering what it was like here. And I have every asshole I met along the way to thank for that. Every corrupted, hard, selfish, sad person. (not saying everyone is this way, but most who crossed my path were) The people I met...well maybe they weren't for me either. I wondered often at those who seemed happy here and kept on thinking it was going to get better. That one day, any day now, I'd wake up and feel like things had fallen into place and feel content and happy. That day did not come. I never stopped missing my friends from home and I never stopped wishing the people I'd met here were more like them. I never got used to how much time commuting eats up here. Once I figured out that it's the fundamental problem in this city...I never got over it. I even tried to buy a bike, but let me tell you, I am not a biker. If you visit you'll see people riding in Brooklyn looking as serene as a monk in a monastery. But, it's work and in the summer it's hot and an inefficient way to exercise on top of that. I guess for those people, New York suits them.
If you have tons of energy, New York will suit you. If you're willing to put in a great effort to build your career and don't mind searching every nook and cranny for friends (if yours aren't already living here) even after the first 1,000 people you met didn't really fit, New York will suit you. As it will if you don't need people to fit. If you have a shit ton of money, New York will suit you. If you come from a place where minds are small and conservative, New York might suit you. Though they might be militant and pretentious about their liberal ideals, you'll find people here who are more accepting of alternative lifestyles, as long as your alternative matches theirs. If you have a job that affords you the opportunity to have time and money to join clubs and classes and have real hobbies, New York will suit you. If you enjoy being the center of attention or trying to make yourself the center of attention, you have a limitless stage to perform on. If you like smoke and mirrors, or don't mind people coming in and out of your life randomly according to their want, will, or too busy schedule, you're good to go.
The truth is I was in none of those circumstances, nor am I that type of person. I'm a homebody. I like to read a book and be cozy. Sure, I like to go out, but I'm not 22 anymore. Getting "wasted" just kind of ceased to be a weekend goal like it is here for a lot of wayward souls (regardless of age). Yes, I want to be healthy and exercise, but Lord I don't want to sweat through a 20 minute walk to get to the gym. Let me drive there in AC, before spin class kills me. Yes, I like to try new recipes and dabble in the kitchen, but not when the oven was born before my parents were. Not when I have to sweep off mouse droppings from the counter before I begin. Yeah, I like having a beer in a good spot, but not when my only choices are places filled with anti-social cliques or full-on meat markets. I could make this paragraph its own post, but I'll refrain.
I am very lucky. Very very blessed. Because for every person here who thought I was a permanent fixture (an impression I take full responsibility for giving) and put me in the background of their life, there is someone in an awesome place who wants me in the foreground. I'm extremely lucky that I started a freelance writing career here that gives me freedom and mobility in my choice of location. I am very lucky the connections and experience I got here are enough to continue on in another place, while still keeping professional ties here open.
I guess I'm just damned lucky. And if it took five years of struggle to get to that conclusion, well then, it was worth it.
What will I do now? Well, I was thinking about traveling for a year. : ) And you know, living the dream.
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