Once upon a time, an 8-month-old baby girl was born. She was 7lbs, bald and had a bright red dot in the middle of her forehead. Years later, she would be told by her father the mark was from the Doctor's thumb during delivery. And as a seventh-grader she would be told that had she been born an Aztec, such an obvious birthmark would have been worshiped by her people and then sacrificed to the Gods after about 15 years. She would have been sacrificed; not the birthmark. Or rather, they would have gone into oblivion together, you know what I meant to say.  


At some young age, knowing it would be there for life she decided neither to embrace nor ignore it and--wait--this isn't a story about a birthmark, dammit. Already I'm deviating off course. If you want know how it turned out for the red dot, I'll tell you. Just fine. It was a lot less obvious once the girl grew to regular adult size and most people thought it was left over from falling asleep with her head down on her forearms. Or didn't notice it until months after they met her, by which time she'd won them over with her sparkling personality making the mark of very little consequence.

Moving on, she cried. A lot. She may have been the most cryingist baby of all time. She was up all night long and asleep during the day. Her circadian rhythm was off from the rest of the world, much to the chagrin of her parents. She didn't like to be rocked to sleep either. She would cry and cry if you sat down with her. She must be walked. She was a god damned self-aggrandizing princess if there ever was one. Even at a mere 10 or 11 months (from conception).

Sitting on a park bench with her mother when she was 13, she heard the story of how she came to be: Her Dad came home from a business trip and wanted to have sex. Her mom didn't want to. He begged and begged. The problem was, her mother had a yeast infection and they were using this birth control method called foam. The foam would have irritated the infection and sex would have been risky. Eventually her mother gave in to her father and on their sofa they consummated their love. One night without birth control and mom was pregnant. It was probably the “What The Fuck!?!” heard round the world. The girl wouldn't know, for at the time she was a zygote.