Second Things Second

So, here is what I was thinking about, and have been thinking about incessantly for the last couple of months. Food. Every kid has their awkward stage. My awkward stage was being chubby. Not fat, per se but chubby. I knew I was chubby as a kid and all through high school. My weight fluctuated throughout my early twenties too. Sometimes I would get on an exercise kick and slim down, but eventually the extra 10, 15, 20 lbs would come back on. I tried to make all kinds of excuses to myself and other people. "I've never had a problem getting men to be attracted to me, so my weight is clearly not a problem." But, what I didn't realize, and really couldn't have known when I was younger, was that I was carrying around insecurities that affected my behavior. It really wasn't about how I looked, but how I felt. What I didn't know was that an extra 10, 15 and 20 lbs was affecting how I really thought about myself, but was in denial of.

I'm not sure exactly how it started. I think it was a combination of influences. Living in New York, yet another failed relationship, being around people who ate healthy...but I very slowly started to make changes to my diet. I started buying fruit and vegetables at the grocery store, and hummus. I started eating soup and yogurt for lunch. It never occurred to me to be on a diet, I just realized that I felt better about myself inwardly after eating a healthy meal. And that it physically felt better to be satisfied rather than stuffed. So, I kept it up.

Over time another unexpected thing occurred. I started to not just like, but LOVE fruits and vegetables. Particularly melons. So sweet and watery and refreshing. Not to sound like a hippie but I couldn't believe how the earth gives us everything we need. I made a promise to myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day. Then it occurred to me that getting filled up on fruits and veggies simply left less room for the unhealthy stuff. And, unlike I had been led to believe by our culture of failed dieters, healthy food was perfectly filling.

I started to choose the "light" options at starbucks and the grocery store. If something came in a light or low-fat variety I bought it instead. I also stopped drinking high calorie alcoholic beverages, rationalizing that it wasn't worth ruining a healthy diet for. Vodka soda...as a friend likes to say a total "rexi drink." I don't care. Because as I became that girl that I used to hate, the one who asked for her dressing on the side...I realized that everyone I'd ever known who made a consistent effort to choose the low cal option was thin. I assumed being that way was snobbery, about being better than other people who chose flavor, and I wasn't a snob, or so shallow. But I'll be damned if eating healthy wasn't actually beneficial. And, PS, cooking something in grease and lard doesn't add flavor, it takes it away, Applebee's. This revelation I can thank New York for. I didn't know what food actually tasted like until I came here.

I grew up with the idea that a "diet" was hard work because it was deprivation, it was living without the things you loved for vanity's sake. And the few times I'd tried to diet, and even lied to myself that I was making changes to my eating for the long haul, it never lasted because of this mentality. Diets are incomprehensibly stupid, but not for the reasons I thought. Eating well is not deprivation, it's freedom.

Little by little I cut out more unhealthy things, like french fries and mayo. But, when I crave a cheeseburger, I have it. When I want chocolate, I grab a handful of M&Ms, because I'm not on a diet and know that I can have M&Ms whenever I want, I don't need to eat the whole bag in one sitting. I can go out with friends to a nice dinner and not worry about dessert, b/c I'm okay with only having a few bites. I have a lifetime to eat dessert.

I started changing my habits because of how it made me feel on the inside, and months later noticed that I was punching new holes in my belts, my staple summer dresses of the last couple of seasons looked like sacks. Have I actually lost weight? I thought. I don't weigh myself--ever. But there was the evidence. My shorts from last summer don't fit, the shorts I loved and felt sexy in. Skirts that used to be tight were loose. Downsizing my calories had downsized my body. And while you're thinking "obviously", I never actually thought that my diet mattered that much. I'd always tried to exercise more to loose weight, and always fell of that wagon too.

Managing your food intake is not unlike managing your finances. If you constantly indulge in expensive items, you'll find that you don't have money left over for the little things or the necessities. A lot of people do this, and don't understand why they're always broke. Just like a lot of people don't understand why they're overweight. But, if you do the opposite, you'll find that when you want to indulge, you can without any negative consequences. Calories add up just like pennies. It's easy to think that a few here or there doesn't really matter, but in the long run, they really do. Slow and steady wins the race.