A tale of love, loss, giving in and, hopefully, redemption.

So, picture it...you love your shoes. You may be male, or female (in particular), but somewhere in your life you realized that buying shoes made you feel great. There are endless varieties to pick from, and there's something about the perfect shoe that just clinches a look, and thusly a feeling. When you know you're turned out, you have an extra hop in your step, people see the confidence and they respect you for it. The sun shines a little brighter, the birds sound a little more harmonic...ahh the prospect of a beautiful day that a pair of shoes can bring. As you grow you also realize that to some extent, "shoes make the man", a style is also a persona that you try on. You buy birkenstocks when you decide that you're going to run away to burning man the first chance you get, you buy boots for winter and rain, flats to feel like audrey, heels to feel like Marilyn, and everything in between. You love your shoes.

--but wait!--

One day your parents sit you down and tell you that at a certain time in your life to be determined by yourself (you'll know when it's right) you will have to give up every pair of shoes you have ever owned. Every shoe you've tried on and worn and loved cannot be kept. Naturally throughout your life you'll try on as many shoes as you possibly can in anticipation of this day. As you get older and closer to that "age" you might even go on a shoe buying or trying on frenzy. You have nightmares about it, horrible nightmares where you remember a pair from long ago, mourn its passing only to realize that it's still there in your closet -- for the time being. Your parents try to comfort you and tell you that you won't have to be shoeless...oh no that would be too cruel. You can pick one pair, and only one, to wear for the rest of your life...it doesn't have to be a pair you've owned, but it's better that you try them on for a while first. There is one, small caveat, don't choose a pair too late, or else you'll be bound to barefootedness forever. You put it out of your head when you're still young, but every time you think of the inescabable reality, you shiver with trepidation at the loss of your freedom to choose from a variety of shoes.

As you get older you start to think about what kind of shoes would be best for the long haul. Something with comfortable durability that will have faded looks after a while or maybe an old favorite whose looks have already faded so there are few surprises. But maybe a great looking pair, I mean go big or go home right? They might pinch your feet, maybe they'll never be comfortable but man will they make you feel good walking down the street...you think about older pairs and how they compare to newer ones. You think of digging out old ones, or wish you hadn't sold some in a yard sale years ago (they were hardly used)...finally the time comes and you know it. And since you've waited until the last minute and are more afraid of barefootedness than having only one pair, you decide to just love the ones you're with. Over time, hopefully they grow on you in a way you couldn't have concieved when you picked them, and if you're lucky you come to think that this pair was meant for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how most straight men think about vaginas (except for the part about yard sales, obviously you can't sell vaginas at yard sales, it's allegorical)*

*If you're a woman and have a problem being compared to shoes, I suggest you start a blog and write an entertaining yet articulate refutation.

Vegans: I don't understand you

I don't know anyone who is a vegan, and I'm not close with anyone who is a vegetarian either. I'm a strict omnivore myself (leaning more on the carnivorous side), so it's hard for me to um get why people have an ethical problem with eating meat, and then go even a step further by not touching anything that came from an animal whatsoever.

I don't know if you guys know this, but evolutionary science posits that our growth in brain size and function is largely due to an increase in protein consumption by our ancestors. Let me tell ya, we weren't getting it from plants. As scavengers, we started to suck the bone marrow out of dead animals...ewww yucky, right? Except if that had never happened you wouldn't have the conginitive ability to decide ethical issues. So, I guess what was good for the goose, is not good for the gander?

I don't have to tell you people that meat and eggs and cheese have vital nutrients that our bodies absorb so that they better function, and I guess I don't have to point out the dichotomy that goes along with being "natural", yet heading off to GNC to take man-made vitamin supplements.

But I do wonder, Vegans of the world, why is it you seem to think that animals care whether or not you eat them? I mean really. Sure every living being is bilogically predisposed to preserve its own life whenever possible, but that doesn't mean Bessie's ghost is going to damn you to hell fire for doing what is your biological predisposition. And certainly not for eating her unfertilized eggs, or taking her honey.

I believe animals should be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. But I also believe that they have a better primal understanding of the circle of life than we do, and as they eat other animals they have no concept of right and wrong when it comes to eating them.

PS -- if you're a vegan for "health reasons", you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but seriously. Get to a gym, and get some protein if you want to be healthy.

PPS--Someone told me recently that veganism is partly based on the idea that any living thing with a nervous system can feel pain...ergo you shouldn't eat any animal product or byproduct. That line of reasoning literally makes no sense and implies a serious detachment from reality.

If I were an eccentric billionaire

I would pay someone to create a product to rival the Kindle, it would be faster, smaller, and have more features...then I would sell it at marginal cost, not making any money (b/c I would already be a billionaire) but not losing much either (other than start up costs).

I would do this to drive Kindle out of the market completely, forcing it to stop producing and then after a while, after Kindle is kaput, I would stop production. Why, do you ask?

To save the collective intellect of mankind, that's why.

Ben Afflick says he's boring, I almost die of shock

In a recent interview with Interview magazine:

On his personality: "What's the most radical twist — or the most surprising thing about myself — is that none of the stuff you read, none of it has anything to do with me, with my life, my work. I'm a very straightforward, pretty boring guy. And that's just the f**king truth. Because who I am, as a person, in my everyday life, wouldn't sell any magazines. And even when I've been in circumstances like relationships ended, where that seemed like high drama, the truth was much more pedestrian when you got right down to it."

Really, Ben Affleck? What's that I read, you're like vanilla bean ice cream, topped with vanilla sauce with a side of vanilla wafer? And You're not out secretly doing daredevil stunts on the weekends and cheating on your wife? You're a family man? I never would have thought you would be the MOST AVERAGE GUY OF ALL TIME, you know considering that you're married to one of THE MOST BORING LOOKING WOMEN of all time. Hey, don't get me wrong, she's looked hot in the past in different roles, but the mom jeans and scrunchies haven't come off since her first pregnancy.

On the definition of intelligence and the extent of equality

So, I have a midterm in an hour and a half and instead of thoroughly studying I'm writing emails:

You know, I’ve spent a portion of my life philosophizing on what it means to be “smart” and what the true definition of intelligence is, being that most of us find something that we’re really interested in and then out of our interest become proficient in our knowledge of it, and if that thing is highly valued then our proficiency is deemed intelligence…but there are many things to be interested in and therefore many things to be intelligent about, and its value is somewhat arbitrary. So because someone may like classical literature and that is more highly valued than say, the knowledge of car mechanics, the literature buff is considered smarter than the mechanic, which expresses an arbitrary value to a certain degree. So, is there a base that you can use to get a universal standard…I don’t know. But, in an a priori sense (as opposed to empirically testing it) we all have this idea of intelligence inside of ourselves and with regards to other people. I never liked being pointed out for anything that was an implication of being better than other people, whether a teacher was saying I was smart or a friend was saying I was pretty; I’m not really comfortable being deemed worthy based on subjective values.

But what I do know is that some people are smarter than others. Some people are just better at navigating through life – and the reasons for that are variegated. I just read a short story by Sam Clemens, where he imagines a dispute b/n different kinds of money inside of a money box in a bank. They are all arguing about who is better based on their value, and of course the copper coin, being the smallest value -- and brown -- gets the worst of it. They use the constitution and its declaration of equality to bolster their arguments. So the money pieces start beating each other up and causing a commotion, and their case ends up in court. The judge rules that each piece of money regardless of its denomination potentially earns the same rate of interest in savings, i.e. 5% and based on that they are all equal. He says they are all equal based on what they are, not who they pretend to be. And he points out that our constitution does not say that men are created inherently equal, as in looks, intelligence, etc…but that for what each of us is, we all have an equal opportunity to be the best that we can be without being discriminated against or thought of as less than anyone else. This of course is on the theory of equality rather than its practice and I think that was his point.
****************Later that day**************

I’ve given up on defining intelligence and I reject the way people use the word as if in and of itself it denotes a standard store of value. I think living well is above the notion of intelligence and I think that should be the goal anyway. And I think that living well has to start with knowing yourself.

Paris...the woman of light

So, I'm kind of embarassed that I know this, but in several interviews past I've cringed to hear Paris Hilton say that every generation needs an iconic blond and that she is ours. She also likes to reference Marilyn Monre when making this statement.

I'd like to take a minute to compare the men who have "fallen in love" with Paris and the men who have fallen in love with Marilyn.

Paris:

Nick Carter -- boyband member

Rick Salomon -- professional sleeze ball

Derek Whibley -- singer of a shitty teen rock band
Simon Rex -- MTV VJ of the mid ninties

Joe Francis -- owner of girl's gone wild franchise

And now -- Doug Reinhardt -- cameo appearance in reality TV show, "The Hills"

Marilyn:

Joe MiMaggio -- one of the most famous and beloved baseball players of all time

Arthur Miller -- one of the most famous and beloved playwrights of all time

John F. Kennedy -- one of the most famous and beloved leaders of the free world.

While I don't condone judging a woman's worth based on the men in her life, I think in this case it's a barometer worth 1,000 words.

Paris, you are no Marilyn. What you are is a fascinating anomaly. Trailer Park Trash who happened to have been born an heiress.

Last Wednesday Gchating at work

sam: tell me swanson
me: So, you know how my cousin is living with me right now...sharing my bedroom and my bed
sam: talk slowly
me: why does every guy think that's hot somehow? we're cousins!
sam: talk even slower now
me: LOL you sicko
sam: I am sending this chat record to friends
me: you would get along very well with my best guy friend who lives in san fran
sam: names will be changed to protect the innnocent
me: this story is going to disappoint you although I will throw you a bone
sam: ok go ahead
me: sometimes at night in her sleep
sam: yes..yes....
me: she cuddles up close to me...and then I push her away and tell her to move over
sam: mmmphh that's enough for at least the next week thanks
me: She did call my breasts supple the other day, I don't know why
sam: unzipping pants