What New York does to a girl...or a boy

Have you seen the fantasy film from the 80s, "The Neverending Story"? The one where the world of dreams and fantasies is threatened because wishes and hopes from the real world are lacking?

A fierce child warrior is sent to save the childlike empress, but not before he must visit the Southern Oracle and get past its three gates. The second gate requires him to look into a mirror surrounded by snow and ice. The mirror doesn't show his physical reflection, but that of his true self. To paraphrase the film, "Men who think they are very brave find they are cowards, and run away in horror."

There have been too many times when I've been walking the streets here, thinking about the experience, that the Southern Oracle's second gate comes to mind. This is where men find out their true nature.

Stripped of conveniences most of us grew up with, money, heat, privacy, personal transportation, time, sleep, rest...what's left but a more raw version of ourselves? Or rather, what's left but raw ego? It is that thing that makes us work a little harder, the thing that makes us want to be better than the next guy, the thing that makes us worry we're not good enough. The thing that eats away at our spirit, those wishes and dreams Fantasia thrives off of.

I remember reading a story in the paper about an NYU freshman jumping off the top of an NYU building, killing himself. And maybe the transformation in me had taken place because I wasn't surprised, not one small bit. The lack of it wasn't due to a desensitization to human suffering, it wasn't because I had seen crime and tragedy and was used to hearing about destitute circumstances. And it wasn't because I'd considered killing myself, so felt a kind of empathy, and therefore apathy to the outcome. It was because I understood completely why a kid fresh out of bumble fuck USA could feel so alone, so underachieving, and so grievously disappointed with the fantasy of New York, that he might think taking a short leap...could solve his problems. You're probably thinking that kid was messed up to begin with, maybe he was. But my point is that surrounded by the suburban bliss I came from, hearing that story would have had me incredulous. After living in the place this kid chose to take his life in, I kind of got it.

Happiness is a choice. Let's think about this: If we waited to enjoy the moments in life in which happiness came to us, perfect days of bliss...we'd be happy for approximately 111 hours, out of approximately 700,000. After puberty exactly how much time do we have in which there is no worry about money, love interests, debt and wanting what we can't have? If that's what we focus on, well then...sad life. See? So happiness is a choice, but is it as contagious as sadness and depression? If I could quantify "misery loves company" and prove the theory, I would. In fact, I have a city of about 8 million people that suggests proof pretty strongly.

What in the world am I rambling about? This place, if you're not careful, will drain your spirit. The extent of which is directly proportional with your attachment to who and what you were in another life, the life you lived before you came here. That is to say, how strongly you identify with who you thought you were before the Oracle gave you a glimpse of who you really are.

No matter where you are, no matter how down the people are around you. No matter how greatly they sigh, how cynical their remarks, how many times they tell you you're naive, or how much you accidentally overdraw your bank account, Choose happiness. : )

A friend recently said to me regarding a life change, "It's easier said than done." To which I replied, "But not necessarily as difficult as the statement implies." Meaning give it a try. My old man likes to say, "Sometimes the hardest thing in life is just showing up."

Hadron Collider=Modern Man's Tower of Babel

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hadron_Collider

"It is expected that it will address the most fundamental questions of physics, hopefully allowing progress in understanding the deepest laws of nature."

Particle accelorater, i.e., really big mountain to try and talk to "God". Anyone feel me on this?

And...I'm back

The last several months had me running all over town attending fashion week, parties, and events. Conducting interviews, writing articles, working full time at Reuters, trying to keep up with an exercise regimen (swimming and some yogs) and also trying to have a remotely satisfying social life. Then I got an idea for my own website, then I got a freelance job that actually pays in money instead of in expensive dinners where I allow the owner to act like we're on a date so his ego stays in tact! In fairness to him, he never did anything inappropriate, but it still creeped me out a bit and I'll tell ya, that was doing NOTHING for my social life, espeically the part where I go on real dates.

Needless to say, I haven't visited the blog that started it all (how quickly we forget) in a minute. And I've missed it. I've also quit the high fashion journalism thing, quite unexpectedly.

One day, I just couldn't take nagging the owner any longer to fufill deadlines and do the things he said he was going to. He wanted me to be a business partner, but his was a work ethic I couldn't tolerate. We got into a row over gchat and I said that I thought we needed to reconsider working together, and like that it was over. I was relieved and kind of scared at the same time. I'd come to rely on that little business card and weekly cocktail events to feel like, I don't know, I was doing something. But I realize now that doing something you don't believe in, or necessarily like, is worse than doing nothing at all. Sounds kind of cheesy, right? Eh, it's true.

I've been a die hard clothing fan since my puberty got jump started the summber between 8th and 9th grade. I poured over every fashion magazine each month and looked at all the shows on style.com during every fashion week. My mom had dial-up, so waiting for each photo to load...that was devotion. I'd do it for hours. In fact, I discovered style.com just several years before I moved here, and thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I did.

All of a sudden, I got to see shows IN PERSON. I got to see celebrities, I got to get dressed up and go to nice places. I wasn't under a contract and I wasn't getting any pressure to produce a certain amount of content or go to any event at all. It was a no pressure situation. But In the end there was so much potential just wasted due to a lack of consistency and motivation that it drove me a little bananas.


So, here I am. : ) Back to regular old me. Back to random blog posts, starting my own site, writing freelance, probably doing hardly any exercise during the winter, and not venturing further than the closest street corner from my apartment to get my drink on with friends/roommates. But I'm happy.

Things that don't matter, yet still have the urge to impart my opinion on

Mariah Carey's weight/size: I am so confused every time I see her. Because she's a "big" woman now, and while she isn't flabby or fat, she's quite thick. This is strange because as a performer in her early twenties she was very thin. So, how did she get "thick" without getting fat, per se? Fascinating. My guess is weight gain tempered by lipo rather than healthy diet and exercise.

That Eddie guy and LeAnn Rimes: WTF? That guy is soo hot and it isn't surprising that he's a manwhore. But he chose LeAnn Rimes? I mean she kind of looks like a dude, strong shoulders, thick dark eyebrows a little on the flat side...it's weird. I have a sneaking suspish that good old Eddie figures she's as good as any other chick more famous than him to get some publicity out of. Besides, he's getting laid too, so, win-win.

That beauty Queen being interviewed--by anyone at all: She entered a contest because she is pretty and bought her rack and has a nice figure. She tried to make money and maybe get some fame based on her looks. She lost the contest by saying something politically incorrect. End. Of. Story. Why in the world does anyone care WHAT comes out of her mouth or what she videotapes herself doing?

Lindsay Lohan: Just, : (

Rhianna using the story of being severely beaten by her boyfriend to promote her new album: Don't do that. She should have waited until the album dropped, one of the singles to top the charts and then gone on Oprah. Obviously Oprah is the only person who should have done that interview. If this seems callous, consider that her handlers scheduled her to use the story of being severely beaten by her boyfriend to promote her new album.

Okay this makes me happy

I copped that photo from http://www.thesuperficial.com/. Here's a link to the comments page http://thesuperficial.com/2009/10/tricia_helfer_grace_park_do_ma.php...it's not for the faint of heart. Usually these comments consist of a lot of douche bags sounding off and criticising women they couldn't get in their wet dreams...but the consensus seems to be that the girls in this shoot are WAY too thin.

Ummm WTF? When did Anorexia get hot?

This girl is probably not seriously anorexic. And I know that a lot of asian women tend to be petite and naturally very thin. But this chick is in Maxim, and for real? Really? Guys want to jack off to this and call themselves straight? Okay...

Caught a break in the day, decided to write

So, I'm waiting for tech support to fix an issue with a database so that I can keep on doing my monkey day job and I thought I'd come back to my old friend, the personal blog, to just diddle around with my thoughts.

I have to say I used to look down on blogging as much as any non blogger, but as someone with a compulsion to write down my ideas this has been a great outlet. My friends and family should thank the blogging revolution as it gives them a break from having to be innundated with my randomness.

I'm writing a blog/articles for an online fashion magazine and it's cool, but I got in some trouble when a certain designer's PR people didn't like reading about how I was pretty sure said designer's face was filled with bobo (botulism virus). In all fairness, it was a little gossipy and not the right venue to say that in. So, I rewrote the damn thing and stated why I thought the designer just wasn't a very good one. Based on her work, of course. Anyway, it's nice to be able to say whatever I want here. Like I can just write fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, over and over again. Or, I can say, it is my personal opinion (and not that of my readers) that Tory Burch has a frozen twenty-year-old face in a 40-something year old body. Whatever.

On that note, I CANNOT wait to start aging as ungracefully as possible, and I tell everyone in my life that at 35, I'm using my tax refunds to get my first shot of the bo. Also, even though making fun of celebs is funny, I'm starting to think it's kind of dumb. I thought about taking down my celeb bashing posts but then I was like, "Why? It's what I was thinking about at that time in my life." And I do have a greater purpose in mind, sort of. I just think people should admire other people for what they do and what they're famous for, rather than deifying what they say, b/c most of it is retarded. Like Whitney Port has so far been a kind of laughable reality TV "star", but she just presented her first fashion collection, which actually has merit. Let's give homage to that, but not assume that Ms. Port is also qualified to be a head of state -- is all I'm saying.

Let's see...what else. I really need to find a way to make more money.

Anti-kindle update

Or, I suppose you could say it's a pro itunes/iphone update? IDK. I just downloaded an application called Eucalyptus for $9.99. And I have access to not one, two, or twenty three books...I have access to 20,000. I did not type that incorrectly. This is made possible from a nonprofit organization, which has compiled and digitized the greatest books of all time.

And, just in my personal opinion, if you are like, "I'd rather read Dan Brown and Danielle Steele than classics," that's fine, I like an easy read too at times. But I'd say $9.99 is a steal to improve the quality of your life, which I guarantee reading the great novels will do.

I love that Whitney Port

Wears ridiculous things.

Let's Talk Shit

Recently, I've been in a few conversations (and I suppose as a girl am perpetually in them) where a person is talking about another person and I can tell they are either sugar coating what they think and want to say, or if they just can't control themselves start making excuses for their rant. They'll say something like, "I'm not talking shit, but...I don't want to gossip, it's just that...I really like so-and-so, don't get me wrong..." to those of you, myself included, who are guilty of this practice, shut the fuck up. Seriously.

This "gossip" phobia is nothing more than an archaic leftover of our puritanical beginnings. I have similar feelings about jealousy and how we're made to feel guilty over it. We either hide it away or are forced to uncomfortably treat is as a joke. Jealousy happens, arguments happen, feelings get hurt, your opinion of people you care for goes up and down. And guess what? With these fluctuations comes the need to express those feelings. So, we've created a wonderful euphamism for gossiping; you're not gossiping if you're "venting" instead.

Is it really wrong to express a negative opinion about someone you know, to another person, provided it's true? A.) they'll either never know about it, or B.) if your confessor tells that person, so what. Which leads me to another point. Not a single one of us is liked by everyone we interact with, we put out more annoying/bad vibes than we can imagine. Because of our own irrational fears of being disliked, we've decided it's wrong to express a dislike for another person. Trust me, you are disliked (and strongly) by someone, probably more than one someone. There can be only one universally liked person, and I think the Buddha and Jesus are the front runners.

I suppose my point is to say, 'admit that you think it's unfair that your best friend owned a maserati at 23 and you were still driving your mom's minivan. You're not "talking shit" you're being honest about your feelings. It's okay that you're jealous -- say so, seriously. It's okay that you think you've worked harder and he's gotten all the breaks. Say it to his face, or tell your girl/guy and if it gets back to him, so what, it's the truth. Let it out, and then, let it go. If he can't understand how he might feel the same way in a similar situation, probably not a great friend to begin with.'

In conclusion...this thing we have about "talking shit" and "gossiping" and even jealousy is ridiculous. It forces people to lie and fake their way through relationships and life. Don't do it.

And PS -- if we lived in a culture where it was normal practice to talk honestly about how we feel, we would probably feel the need to "vent" a lot less often. Being more comfortable with ourselves, what other people say and do wouldn't affect us so dramatically.

David Beckham looks sort of like a boy for a change. That's funny.

Charlize Theron

is hands down one of the most beautiful women, in terms of public figures, the world is aware of.

But is not immune to saying absurd things like this on set of a vogue photo shoot: "There is a part of me, as an actor, that comes alive when you throw me in a place." She continues contemplatively, "And I think Mario likes to shoot me that way."

Did I forget how to speak English or does that sentence literally not make any sense? Or maybe there is some sort of divine truth that Charlize is aware of that we are not. For example, most people, NOT as actors simply shrivel up and die when they are "thrown" in a place. Charlize has somehow learned how to side step this inconvenience. Or, Mario Testino likes to shoot her in this special state of livelihood, whereas he prefers to shoot others in a state of not being alive in a place they've been thrown into. Maybe, I'm still trying to figure it out.

I laughed out loud

One of my favorite blogs is http://www.gofugyourself.com/. The writer is hilarious, although slightly verbose, incredibly entertaining and just seems like an all around good gal.

I just read this post about Rick Springfield and had to laugh out loud. I hope it at least gives you the giggles.

PS -- I didn't know who Rick Springfield was until after the eighties were over, but let me tell you that when I saw "Jesse's Girl" for the first time I sure as hell wished I'd been born early enough to be in some sort of eighties Rick Springfield cult -- or at least to have watched him in General Hospital. That man defined sexy "cute", which is why I truly empathize with the message of the post below.

http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/2009/08/i_wanna_tell_her_that_i_fug_he.html

What, me worry?

Every week I dutifully listen to Bill Maher's show via free podcast on my itunes, not having HBO on the tube at home. I love Bill Maher, I think he's hilarious. I look forward to that hour each week.

But I just heard something that disturbed me. Bill said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that he didn't know what the Federal Reserve was, and didn't know what they did. He said he wasn't sure if the people who are supposed to be experts understand our financial crisis on the basis that he does not understand it.

It's clear that Bill is a comedian and he says things for his audience and to kind of represent the people during his panel discussions...but I was really surprised to hear him say that. And even more surprised that one of his panel members after expositing a lot of finance facts also admitted that he didn't know what the Fed does, as if to dismiss it altogether, and when his ignorance was pointed out he excused it by saying, "well, I didn't go to Harvard."

What bothers me about this is that it is exactly the kind of attitude that allows people to remain uniformed and allows those big bad corporate guys to bully the "little guys" around. Liberals love to throw themselves a pity party and make themselves would-be martyrs against the guys with the money, but to use a well known quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not having the courage to try to understand something that seems overwhelming is giving up before you hit the starting line.

This is episode 162 of the show, btw, and what I'm talking about happens around the thirty minute mark. Also, if one wants to know what the federal reserve does, he/she has only to google it. That's like a savings of about 80 grand on Harvard tuition. And you don't have to have attended to know that.

This might be one of the best headlines ever

"Billy Mays' family: Never saw signs of cocaine use"

Really? So...they've never seen one of his infomercials? That's difficult to believe.

These colors don't run

I've been having some booze feuled debates with people concerning the disorganization of the liberal minded and democratic (although those two things aren't always the same) party set. Usually I get into these rowes with people who are liberal and/or members of the democratic party. I like to consider myself an independent, socially liberal and fiscally conservative. But I grew up in a place that was very liberal and I realized dogma can run on both sides of the street, so at times I like to hit people with the other end of the stick. Not arguing for conservatives but pointing out that they can be much more efficient than their political counterparts.

I say grating things like, "Liberals think everything can be done with feelings, air, and sunshine", which really tends to piss them off. Although, I have yet to hear a quality rebuttal.

I was reading an article online today and I read this quote, which I feel validates my viewpoint.

"We did give them a deadline, and sort of we missed that deadline. But that's OK," Obama said, regarding his project of healthcare reform.

A democratic president, with a democratic congress, can't get a bill out of committee that is founded on democratic ideals, "But that's OK" apparently.

Other reasons why Kindle sucks balls and so does amazon

I'm probably not going to get over my hatred for Kindle until it's out of business. I am waging a one woman war against it.

Recently I bought an iphone, and I'm not going to lie, I kind of miss my old phone and its simplicity. But the iphone is growing on me and because I bought the version without the video recorder it was only $100, compared to the Kindle which is either $300 or $500 depending on the capacity you want. Obviously an iphone provides MANY functions, whereas a Kindle provides only one. An iphone plays music, movies, games, is a PDA of sorts, is a phone and gasp offers book downloads as well. And while I am for all intents and purposes against making a regular habit out of reading books electronically (see previous posts about Kindle) I downloaded an app to have on hand if a book isn't on me. It's called "Classics", was .99 cents and includes not one, but 23 of the best books in classical literature from children's stories to sci fi, Sherlock Holmes and Ancient epics. Not to mention that the graphics simulate all illustrations accurately, create an appealing sepia tone for the pages and even replicate a page turning in 3-D. The font is large and easy to read. All it takes is a tap on the screen to leaf through, and b/c it fits in the palm of your hand, I imagine is much more ergonomic than the awkward large rectangle that is kindle.

The "New" Kindle boasts 16 shades of gray. Really? Are we in Steve Jobs' garage building a machine in dos? Is it 1980 something? What the fuck?

I love the testimonial video too. You have people saying how the battery life is long and you can go days without recharging it...turns out you don't ever have to recharge a book made out of paper.

Then they say Kindle is lighter than a paperback...how fucking fat and lazy have Americans gotten that they can't handle the weight of a paperback in their bag, especially when most of them only walk from their front door to their car, then from the car to the office and repeat the process at the end of the day.

One person likes to talk about how easy to use Kindle is and then they close in on her pushing buttons; it must be because actually turning a page is so arduous.

Another person says he's reading a much bigger variety of things b/c of the free samples kindle offers. There are these places called book stores and libraries where you can also get free samples before you buy something or take it home. You just...take the book off of the shelf and open it up! Shut up! It's for real I'm not lying!

But folks this is the most ridiculous thing about Amazon and its Kindle. Earlier this year they removed gay and lesbian titles on the sly, and now they've actually removed George Orwell's Classic books "1984" and "Animal Farm" without reason or explanation.

* Turns out they removed the Orwell books b/c of a copyright infringement, which proves (if the 16 shades of gray didn't do it) that this racket is run by retards. And apparently they were still dumb enough not to give a reason, and didn't see what a shitstorm of bad press it could cause.

I was uh, looking for a photo of the drink, but this makes me thirstier

Two Bothersome Thingys:

1.) I'm starting to have a real problem with young people who want to change the world and are convinced they can. I know, it sounds despicable. And it probably is. After all there have been many young people in world history who, quite literally, did change the world. Where would society be without those willing to fight for justice? Ruled by autocratic despots? I don't know, and neither do you, frankly. My problem isn't with noble pursuits, it's that those who claim to have them have become such a type; a really boring, predicatble type, the whole lot of them.

They Love rummage sales and flee markets, they like things to look old as if this somehow proves they're one of the people. They buy weed and smoke it with pride as if it's a badge of their good, free spirited intentions. They love to make sacrifices of comfort to prove to themselves and those around them they don't need anything modern, everything they need can be grown on a farm or woven by Quakers. And let's not forget their vegetarian, organic diet. Because nothing says I care about the disadvantaged people more than exercising the luxury of getting to pick what you eat.

And it seems, more often than not, that they're completely out of touch with what it is to actually live off of land, and off of the grid, although their pretentious fantasies would have them believing in some small way, they do. Shopping exclusively at Beacon's Closet and Whole Foods makes a faker, not a world shaker. The thing about it that is the most bothersome is that these people get their entire sense of self from a borrowed, disingenuous persona because they were too unoriginal to pursue their cause as themselves. And that generally gives them an attitude problem that comes out when they don't get their way or have been hitting the moonshine too hard.

2.) People who've quit smoking and now profess to abhor the smell of smoke. People who used to smoke but think of themselves as being better than those who still do. People who once lit up and walk by smokers with their hands flailing as if to shoo away the smoke, but really it's more of a gesture to show their disapproval. Those people are just pissed because they remember the calm, soothing effect of the sweet nicotine coursing through their veins. They have to pretend they think smoking is gross because deep down they know it's delicious and if they admitted that to themselves, they'd start smoking again. Don't hate on people who still smoke just because you made your life suck a little bit more by quitting. Hate on yourself for ever having lit up in the first place.

Chatty Kathys and their political incorrectiude

Benjamin: OMG I had to hang out with 2 FTM's and their GF's this weekend.
me: SHUT UP tell me all about the FTMS and their GFS
Benjamin: 12 people and I was the only one with a real penis.
me: Fucking, unbelivable
me: I never notice FTMs here, but I notice MTFs, you can always tell by their hands, if nothing else.
Benjamin: "Johnny" and "Jackson"
Yeah MTF prob stand out more
They were both sort of chubby
me: I want to be an FTM for halloween...and be named "Fido"
Benjamin: Hahah
______________________
me: It's weird because it's like men are forced to be metro here, and like when you talk to them you can tell there is a man wanting to come out, but they've been beaten down and they're all just a bunch of pussies. I blame...the women's lib movement of the seventies and sex and the city.
Benjamin: Hahhahahaha (shhhhh) I totally agree
me: Well, look I'm glad I can vote, and I've seen every episode of SATC thirty times, and loved it. But that doesn't mean there aren't backlashes.
I feel like men don't know how to behave these days.
they're all mixed up.
Benjamin: We totally are
me: yeah...
I want a guy with good hygiene, who is not feminine in his behavior, at all.
I don't want him to cook, I don't want him to have potted plants at home, I don't give a fuck how he dresses as long as it's clean. And I want him to be chill and honest. But loyal...does that go against the very fiber of wanting a manly man?
Benjamin: I'm not sure.
______________________________
Benjamin: Now I understand why my Dad is so tight lipped when it comes to politics
me: My Dad won't get into it either
my mom is clueless.
Benjamin: M____ just asked for some advice about how to handle a situation at work and i told her to think with the penis, not the ovaries.
me: Hahaha
I guess in her case, she has to think with the clitoris.
Benjamin: Yeah
Anyways now I get what my dad was silently saying
Either side sucks
me: right either side does suck
You either have a bunch of pansies, with no dicks.
or you have a bunch of douches with tiny dicks, trying to prove they've got big dicks.
We just need a nice, medium sized dick.
Benjamin: Yes, hahah a nice medium dick LOL.
me: Man, I was just going to draw you a picture of dicks of different sizes, but then I remembered I'm at work.
It would have been funny.
Benjamin: SO funny. I don't know what I would do if I walked by a female coworkers desk and she was drawing dicks.
Me: probably die laughing
Benjamin: I would probably drop to one knee and propose.
___________________________

me: I'm trying to quit smoking.
Benjamin: I didn't make you start smoking don't cast you anger at yourself onto me.
me: If I wasn't a smoker, I wouldn't have met half of the cool people I have, and that's the fuckin' truth everyone knows the cool kids are outside smoking.
me: Well, I'm pretty determined when I make a decision. so, I think I'll be okay. I never wanted to quit before, really, but I've been smoking for long enough, it's served it's purpose and like you said, now it has none. I figure the hard thing will not be to light up while out drinking. will be not to, I always split my infinitives for some reaosn.
Benjamin: I've heard people say that. Maybe don't drink either?
me: Oh, absolutely not
that is not even, no.
I have to drink.
I have been a virtual recluse for the last year.
It is time to drink.
Maybe, if I buy a pack, I'll make Beth take it away from me at the end of the night. yeah
Benjamin: OK OK jeez

Parental Controls

I was thinking last night and wondering to what extent are we affected by our parents' histories? I don't mean how they fucked us up by making us go to Sunday school every week, or be in marching band, or whatever other inane disciplines and neglect was laid upon us. I mean how connected are we to the course of their own lives and the choices they made that directed them?

You are not your Father. You are not your Mother. You are not obligated to rebel against them or model yourself after them, nor are you doomed to repeat their mishaps. You have the choice to accept who you are. You have the strength to become who you choose. At some point, I think, one has to stop letting the lives of their parents haunt them -- if they do. Not for everyone, but I imagine for many it's true.

Why Disney's Beauty and the Beast is most accurate

Too often in Romantic comedies we're presented with a jaded, independent female lead who is too smart and witty for her own good...until Male lead comes along and falls in love because of her intelligence and hard nosed independence. Alas, this is not how real life plays itself out.

But take the story of Disney's Cartoon musical, Beauty and the Beast: Belle is hot, and it's all her suitors care about, everyone considers her to be a total freak for liking to read books rather than drool over the best looking guy in town who happens to be a complete retard (this turns out to be pretty true to real life). Belle is intelligent enough to see through the retard's phisod and everyone thinks she's all the weirder for not being interested. This stuff actually happens. The townspeople lament Belle's oddity of intellect and resent her all the more for not even trying to fit in. Afterall, ideas come from reading, it doesn't provide well for group think.

Belle is relegated to falling in love with a man cursed to be hideously unattractive. Consequently, because he doesn't know her rep and they're removed from the stereotypes that ensconce them she can be her sweet self around him, and he falls in love too.

When Harry Met Sally...uh uh. You've Got Mail, definitely not. If you want a film true to life, pop in Beauty and the Beast.

The Office

Shortly after I got in this morning one of my cube mates excitedly called my name. Since he can't stand his job and is an artist during his off hours who finds himself too good for the menial tasks he's agreed to perform, and doesn't usually talk to coworkers, I was surprised.

After I went over to him, he proceeded to show me a large, and hopefully dead cockroach that presumably had crawled out over the weekend into our Monday morning area of full view; it was right in the middle of the entrance to Rob's cubicle.

Word got out quickly on our "team" and the boys called over their friends from various floors and offices to get close, look and take camera phone pictures.

Eventually my boss came by (after the hulabuloo was over) and noticed the thing. He bent down (and maybe this is why he was promoted into middle management and the rest of us have not been), used a piece of paper to scoop it up, and then threw it in the trash can reserved for recycled paper next to the nearest printer.

But not before suggesting that the roach could be Rob himself, transformed, and this is why he would not put it down the toilet.

Later on in the day, another voice excitedly called my name. Kevin Jotted into my cube saying, "Marisa! You know the roach that Gregg put into the trash?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's not there anymore!"

"So then...it really was Rob."

"No, seriously it isn't there!"

"I don't know Kevin, you're always screwing around, I really don't believe anything you say."

"Come look!"

"All right."

We walk over to the trash. "I'm afraid to look", I say, "What if it's there and it flies up in my face and kills me?"

"Just look."

So, I cautiously take a step closer and slowly look in. It's there and the second I see it Kevin startles me with a little shove that makes me squeal like six-year-old and jump back for dear life.

M. Fox...might have had some work done.

Photo from 2004. I couldn't resist posting this since it has caused at least a 45 minute debate b/n me and my soon to be publisher.

Food and Sex

Beth: So food and sex?

Me: Yeah

Beth: Which one?

Me: I don't know...it's hard.

Beth: You had to pick one for life...but you would still live, regardless

Me: Food. I still get to masturbate, right?

Beth: Yeah

Me: Food.

Beth: What if you couldn't masturbate?
Me: Sex

Also

I want to give a shout out to "Michael Jackson Guy" in Ann Arbor MI, you must be hurting now man. You took over one of the two alley ways in town, kept your boom box loud and did your thing. I hope you keep doing your thing.

Okay

I didn't know if I was going to make a comment about this because it's EVERYWHERE and everything you ever needed to know or wanted to know has already been said.

But I realized something in writing an email to my cousin, where I explained that after an obssession with Elvis movies at around the age of three, I moved on to MJ at around six or seven. I REALLY thought I was going to marry him. "Darrick had this poster on his wall of Michael with ET...which doesn't make sense, but it was a popular image and he was really young and still black, maybe one nose job in, and I just died when I saw that picture. It gave me stirrings every time." I then went on to explain that after my Dad went to work my mom would turn on MTV while she cleaned the house -- against his approval, he didn't want us watching it.

Some of my earliest memories include Madonna in that pink "material girl" dress (what little girl wouldn't go apeshit over that?) And Michael Jackson. I can still see one of his videos and remember how old I was, where I was living, who my friends were etc. Something that I can't say for Madonna. Or really any other artist...

The landscape of my life would have been different had this person's talent not existed, or been shown. For one person to have an impact like that on so many millions of people is noteworthy and awe inspiring.

And I leave you with the photo that provided my young self with my first tinges of heterosexuality. Thanks Michael, for everything.

I was just thinking...

About how frustrating it is to deal with men you are meeting for the first time at a social gathering. And I would just like to say for the record, gentlemen, that there is a difference b/n a girl being nice and humoring you -- in which case you are not getting laid -- and flirting, in which case there is a solid possibility you are getting laid.

This is something that any adult male should be aware of, to avoid for himself his own frustration and embarassment.

If I smile at you, after you've approached me and started talking, I'm being nice. If I answer your questions congenially and let you buy me a drink, I'm being nice. If I shake your hand, but keep my own physical distance after a minute, I'm being nice. And if after five minutes I say I have to find a friend, or go to the ladies' but promise to be right back...I'm not coming back. I may have laughed at your jokes, I may have been sitting with my legs crossed towards you...but if the rest of the signs are there, no matter how interested you think I am or wish I was...I'm not.

On the other hand, if I smile at you or look your way more than once BEFORE you've approached me, I'm attracted. If I shake your hand, but after a minute lean in closer so that I can hear better above the noise, I'm attracted. If I thank you for buying the drink, I'm interested. If more than five minutes go by without me excusing myself...let's say 15 or 20 minutes, then I'm coming back because I'm interested. If I touch my hair, you'll probably be touching it later too.

Please take this advice to heart. Don't make us be a bitch, we don't want to be one and we're mostly always interested in making a friend (provided you don't creep us out)...who knows maybe we'll introduce you to a gal who's the best sex you've ever had.

This is embarassing

The fact that anyone would know who these people are...let alone the entire country is a shame.

They had too many babies...on accident. And yet Kate's distinctive, "I'm-this-close-to-coming-out-of-the-closet" hairstyle is considered entertaining discussion.

Has anyone mentioned the fact that John looks slightly like he has Downs Syndrome? No? well, then let me be the first.

Albert Einstein is my favorite historical figure. If you read anything about him, or go through a list of his quotes you'll see that not only is he tuned into the workings of our universe, but is also enlightened spiritually. He is a classic story of simply putting one foot in front of the other, even after rejection and failure. He is without inhibition in the expression of his thought processes. He gives his brain free reign. Even through adulthood he managed to buck conventional thought and wisdom and stay true to the openness most of us seem to lose as children.

The reason why physics is such a beautiful science is that it uses mathematics -- the language of God (or spirituality), transliterated and transcribed by men -- to exhibit the perfection of the world we live in. In a metaphysical sense perfection is said not to exist, but within the scope of symmetry, movement, numbers like pi, and phi...it truly does, inspiring awe and acceptance of our existence. As he put it, "the spirit manifest in the laws of the universe"

So, the moral of this post is, don't let your kids fail at math, and if you have itunes go to podcasts and type in "Einstein & the Mind of God", pretty interesting stuff.

ps -- my use of the word, "God", in no way affiliates me with any organized religion, I remain truly agnostic.

I kind of always knew it was ham...but ever since I saw it at a Trader Joe's...I wondered. So, from Wikipedia:

Prosciutto (English pronunciation: /prəˈʃuːtoʊ/,[1]) is the Italian word for ham. In English, prosciutto almost always used for an aged, dry-cured, spiced Italian ham that is usually sliced thin and served uncooked; this is called prosciutto crudo 'raw ham' in Italian and distinguished from prosciutto cotto 'cooked ham'. The most renowned and expensive legs of "prosciutto" come from central and northern Italy (Tuscany and Emilia in particular), such as Prosciutto di Parma, and those of Friuli-Venezia Giulia, such as Prosciutto di San Daniele.

Ode to the "Qwasawwwn"

This morning I saw you in the glass starbucks case, and your golden, buttery exterior caught my eye. You looked fresh, which peaked my interest, stacked there amongst your comrades.

What did I want today? Were you on the list? No. But you took me by surprise. You don't have the brown promise of chocolate, or the blue distinction of embedded fruit. Neither do you have red ribbons of rhubarb, nor the sunny stickiness of a lemon tart. You don't offer the crisp edges of a toasted bagel, or the firm crumbliness of a vanilla scone. You don't flash your offer of morning satisfaction with loud, conspicuous appearance. You are subtle. You are a masterpiece of French ingenuity. You are melting, warm, soft, perfection.

Megan Fox

Congratulations Megan Fox...I'm not even going to degrade you by posting a photo. You are the first recipient of my "you're not a retard" award.

I have to admit it, whether she's spinning a bad girl image or not. She's smart, wise beyond her years actually. In fact, she's the first celebrity that I would say I'd like to meet.

I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.

We're back to basics

All right, here's one that is not about what a person is wearing, but more about something completely idiotic that they said publicly. Erin Wasson is a model wannabe (insert any other job in the fashion industry). In an interview she gave with the New York Times a while back she said that she wished women with bad ankles would stop wearing leggings. Wow, I guess this is evidence that a lack of food effects brain functioning. If she had said women with cankles shouldn't wear leggings...it would have been bitchy, but at least made sense. What exactly is a bad ankle? An achilles tendon that protrudes too much, or not enough?

Here is what I would love to approach Ms. Wasson and say, "you know, women completely without tits should not wear v-necks of any kind...in fact all shirts are wasted on a flat chested woman, they should probably just not leave home at all. And your knee caps are embarassing, probably shouldn't wear shorts either."

Megan Fox: Hollywood Manufactured Antichrist Barbie, or just a girl trying to make it from the (trailor) Park? And does it matter?

Little story about Megan Fox: One night, in bed with my then paramour talking about celebrity crushes...he mentions Ms. Fox (in his defense I had just finished a monologue on the perfection of Brad Pitt's bone structure.) And he says, "She's like the hottest girl I've ever seen!"

"She has a complete White trash slut face." I reply.

"HA HA HAHA she totally does! Not for sex, but

you just want to lock yourself in a hotel room with her and an eight ball and just...well...have sex." He says.

While I loved that at first he tried to front like he didn't want to fuck her, he ended up not being able to lie about it and from that point foward I, of course, have had a little wee problem with Megan Fox. Yes, I know it's ridiculous, but jesus christ, I'm human.

I have been reading and devouring the white-trash-slut belch-like-a-guy persona that this girl has been weaving for herself in the press. And wondering because it is so trite...how much is real and how much is a big ol' fat publicity stunt to try and be Hollywood's new bad girl.

I'm sure if she saw this she would roll her eyes and say something about people being pathetic who care this much about celebrities, then proceed to profess her ordinariness while pulling a goat into a seedy hotel room and making the "shhh" gesture with her index finger. Because that's what bad girls do.

She recently had this to say to Esquire: "I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl. Olivia Wilde
is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands."

Nothing says shocking like the little girl from the trailor park trying to sound naughty by talking about hooking up with other chicks, and then of course saying something that adds an air of androgony to her persona that truthfully, turns men on even more.

But lets face it, it doesn't matter what this girl says, she's still really hot, and I still have to get over it.

It's official

I'm a bad person. I started out making fun of what celebrities say...because it's hilarious to make fun of a.) people who are dumb but don't know it, and b.) people who take themselves way too seriously. But I've slipped recently into making fun of what celebrities wear, which is completely subjective and just plain mean-spirited. But...I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.



Anne Hathaway's stylist, Rachel Zoe, must have been too busy feeding herself on vintage shopping (and pretending her husband isn't gay) to help Anne dress for a casual walk with her boyfriend...and this is the result:



That's a pink chiffon scarf wrapped around her neck, it's difficult to see but really makes the outfit.

Saturday night

In bed with Beth (my cuz)

After I explained to Beth what compressed air was, she had this to say, "oh. I've never heard of that. You can use my breath. I have a strong jet stream." Uh...Beth, really?

In catching up on our daily blogs and looking at a picture of Heidi and Spencer...

Beth: How long do you think they'll be married?

me: Forever

Which led to us listening to this http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-17-heidi-montag-wont-stop-2, looking up the lyrics and engaging in a spontaneous kareoke session in which we wholeheartedly attempted to learn the song.

Me: Okay, first of all THAT [what just happened] does not leave this room. Second of all, we just discovered a way to do at home kareoke whenever we please with youtube and elyrics.com.

Beth: Yeah, and you can add alcohol too if you want!

Finally, looking for the thirtieth time today at Forever 21 and either lambasting the trashy fashions, or getting excited about something "cute"...we came across a white, linen jumper.

Beth: I tried that on, it's weird.

Me: Oh, really, this?

Beth: Yeah, I felt like I was wearing a diaper. I felt like I was a baby.

Me: That is weird.

As Always

Beyonce manages to grease herself into something that doesn't fit.

I wish I had the combined powers of limitless funds and the house of Dereon to achieve the same feat.

Ladies and Gents..PRE-SEN-TING the world's youngest looking septuagenarian!

Don't act like you haven't thought exactly the same thing yourself.

The question is, if everyone knows, why isn't anyone talking about it?

Promises...Promises

So, I have all of these ideas about ongoing segments for this blog...which I don't seem to be very good at following through with.

• Making fun of celebrity quotes
• Urban Dictionary words of the day
• Bunipedia
• Favorite People in History
• philosophical ruminations

I am posting this as a reminder to myself...and I swear that when I get done with school I'm going to keep up with these.

Things that are starting to get on my nerves

1.) Ingenue/starlet/"I gave someone a blowjob for my fifteen minutes" type of girl steadfastly adhereing to a hippie/boho style of dress, as if this somehow validates her sense of fashion. Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens...etc.
1a.) The fact that Zac Effron hasn't broken up with Vanessa Hudgens yet. I mean he seems like a cool guy.
1b.) The fact that I care.

2.) Once you've seen about 200 of them, movies start to become copies of copies of copies and are pretty f-ing boring. There hasn't been a new horror movie villain worth being afraid of in probably two decades. Nameless zombies, romantic vampires, and vengeful ghosts are starting to make me feel like Bill Murray in Groundhoug day. COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW. At the very least give us the ghost of a deceased vampire (replete with a stake in his heart) who is seeking revenge for his once mortal mother who was turned into a zombie.

3.) Jessica Simpson dressing badly. I'm fucking tired of it, Jess. You're a sexy woman with a sexy body and for some reason you just cannot get it together to wear something that flatters it -- ever. The lucky thing about being curvy is that you don't have to stay a size zero and you can still be hot, but you have to know how to dress yourself or hire someone else who does.
3a.) when people use the term "curvy" as a euphamism for fat, so that when a person refers to "curvy" women or a "curvy" woman everyone thinks they mean fat...curvy, imo, is having tits and an ass AND a waist. Fat is not. This word should be a huge compliment, and unfortunately makes non-skinny girls everywhere cringe when they hear it b/c of its misuse. And that grinds my gears.

Gwyneth and I might be soul mates

From Goop:

"I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie)."

And I was just wondering the other day to myself, "If Gwyneth Paltrow had to define what her day job is, what exactly would that be?"

It's kind of like she can read my mind.

It's gonna be a boy...or is already, technically

Congrats to April and Garth Bungard of the Ace Deuce, MI. May your baby be enormously fat, well endowed, and well tempered. I'll miss our wild nights on the town, but chubby baby feet is a fair trade.

Ben

I think the following exerpts from a recent gchat with Ben speak for themselves...

Benjamin: Were they filming one of those truth commercials? Smoking kills homeless people.
Benjamin: I found out what your sweedish friend does for a living: http://www.autospies.com/news/Swede-Works-On-Perfecting-Driver-s-SEX-Seat-Police-NOT-Happy-42991/
Benjamin: hahahaha it just keeps getting better
Benjamin: word, I always follow vajayjay as well just not my own obviously hardy hoo
Benjamin: They ARE kids! College punks There is a porn star who is a barista at the starbucks in m___'s building
Benjamin: dude, I READ YOUR BLOG
Benjamin: but fuck, my apartment feels crowded because of paper mail, and books
I want to punch everyone that wears Ray Bans in the face
me: but reading [books] on a computer screen...it's just so...tacky
Benjamin: And I am SO afraid of being tacky
like if I wasn't tacky i'd get more pussy?
me: no, b/c you're married, and that's your own fault
Benjamin: theoretical pussy
pussy as a currency
like cigs in jail
Benjamin: The worst thing you can do for hipsters is to look at them when they walk by
Then you've given them self purpose
by looking at them you are supporting their behavior
I prefer to pretend they don't even exist.
they are co-dependent on attention
without it they have no power
me: What's with the hipster rant?
Benjamin: I dunno
me: The girl D__ is fucking is a total hipster. So much so that she denies it...and then gives it a different name!
Benjamin: Which OF COURSE means you are
me: I'm blogging you
Benjamin: alright I'm big time now
me: you know it

This might be the gayest scarf that ever lived

Someone should write its life story.

A tale of love, loss, giving in and, hopefully, redemption.

So, picture it...you love your shoes. You may be male, or female (in particular), but somewhere in your life you realized that buying shoes made you feel great. There are endless varieties to pick from, and there's something about the perfect shoe that just clinches a look, and thusly a feeling. When you know you're turned out, you have an extra hop in your step, people see the confidence and they respect you for it. The sun shines a little brighter, the birds sound a little more harmonic...ahh the prospect of a beautiful day that a pair of shoes can bring. As you grow you also realize that to some extent, "shoes make the man", a style is also a persona that you try on. You buy birkenstocks when you decide that you're going to run away to burning man the first chance you get, you buy boots for winter and rain, flats to feel like audrey, heels to feel like Marilyn, and everything in between. You love your shoes.

--but wait!--

One day your parents sit you down and tell you that at a certain time in your life to be determined by yourself (you'll know when it's right) you will have to give up every pair of shoes you have ever owned. Every shoe you've tried on and worn and loved cannot be kept. Naturally throughout your life you'll try on as many shoes as you possibly can in anticipation of this day. As you get older and closer to that "age" you might even go on a shoe buying or trying on frenzy. You have nightmares about it, horrible nightmares where you remember a pair from long ago, mourn its passing only to realize that it's still there in your closet -- for the time being. Your parents try to comfort you and tell you that you won't have to be shoeless...oh no that would be too cruel. You can pick one pair, and only one, to wear for the rest of your life...it doesn't have to be a pair you've owned, but it's better that you try them on for a while first. There is one, small caveat, don't choose a pair too late, or else you'll be bound to barefootedness forever. You put it out of your head when you're still young, but every time you think of the inescabable reality, you shiver with trepidation at the loss of your freedom to choose from a variety of shoes.

As you get older you start to think about what kind of shoes would be best for the long haul. Something with comfortable durability that will have faded looks after a while or maybe an old favorite whose looks have already faded so there are few surprises. But maybe a great looking pair, I mean go big or go home right? They might pinch your feet, maybe they'll never be comfortable but man will they make you feel good walking down the street...you think about older pairs and how they compare to newer ones. You think of digging out old ones, or wish you hadn't sold some in a yard sale years ago (they were hardly used)...finally the time comes and you know it. And since you've waited until the last minute and are more afraid of barefootedness than having only one pair, you decide to just love the ones you're with. Over time, hopefully they grow on you in a way you couldn't have concieved when you picked them, and if you're lucky you come to think that this pair was meant for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how most straight men think about vaginas (except for the part about yard sales, obviously you can't sell vaginas at yard sales, it's allegorical)*

*If you're a woman and have a problem being compared to shoes, I suggest you start a blog and write an entertaining yet articulate refutation.

Vegans: I don't understand you

I don't know anyone who is a vegan, and I'm not close with anyone who is a vegetarian either. I'm a strict omnivore myself (leaning more on the carnivorous side), so it's hard for me to um get why people have an ethical problem with eating meat, and then go even a step further by not touching anything that came from an animal whatsoever.

I don't know if you guys know this, but evolutionary science posits that our growth in brain size and function is largely due to an increase in protein consumption by our ancestors. Let me tell ya, we weren't getting it from plants. As scavengers, we started to suck the bone marrow out of dead animals...ewww yucky, right? Except if that had never happened you wouldn't have the conginitive ability to decide ethical issues. So, I guess what was good for the goose, is not good for the gander?

I don't have to tell you people that meat and eggs and cheese have vital nutrients that our bodies absorb so that they better function, and I guess I don't have to point out the dichotomy that goes along with being "natural", yet heading off to GNC to take man-made vitamin supplements.

But I do wonder, Vegans of the world, why is it you seem to think that animals care whether or not you eat them? I mean really. Sure every living being is bilogically predisposed to preserve its own life whenever possible, but that doesn't mean Bessie's ghost is going to damn you to hell fire for doing what is your biological predisposition. And certainly not for eating her unfertilized eggs, or taking her honey.

I believe animals should be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. But I also believe that they have a better primal understanding of the circle of life than we do, and as they eat other animals they have no concept of right and wrong when it comes to eating them.

PS -- if you're a vegan for "health reasons", you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but seriously. Get to a gym, and get some protein if you want to be healthy.

PPS--Someone told me recently that veganism is partly based on the idea that any living thing with a nervous system can feel pain...ergo you shouldn't eat any animal product or byproduct. That line of reasoning literally makes no sense and implies a serious detachment from reality.

If I were an eccentric billionaire

I would pay someone to create a product to rival the Kindle, it would be faster, smaller, and have more features...then I would sell it at marginal cost, not making any money (b/c I would already be a billionaire) but not losing much either (other than start up costs).

I would do this to drive Kindle out of the market completely, forcing it to stop producing and then after a while, after Kindle is kaput, I would stop production. Why, do you ask?

To save the collective intellect of mankind, that's why.

Ben Afflick says he's boring, I almost die of shock

In a recent interview with Interview magazine:

On his personality: "What's the most radical twist — or the most surprising thing about myself — is that none of the stuff you read, none of it has anything to do with me, with my life, my work. I'm a very straightforward, pretty boring guy. And that's just the f**king truth. Because who I am, as a person, in my everyday life, wouldn't sell any magazines. And even when I've been in circumstances like relationships ended, where that seemed like high drama, the truth was much more pedestrian when you got right down to it."

Really, Ben Affleck? What's that I read, you're like vanilla bean ice cream, topped with vanilla sauce with a side of vanilla wafer? And You're not out secretly doing daredevil stunts on the weekends and cheating on your wife? You're a family man? I never would have thought you would be the MOST AVERAGE GUY OF ALL TIME, you know considering that you're married to one of THE MOST BORING LOOKING WOMEN of all time. Hey, don't get me wrong, she's looked hot in the past in different roles, but the mom jeans and scrunchies haven't come off since her first pregnancy.