When Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher first met, he didn't give her the time of day and had his attention on someone else. The second time they met was at an impromptu party at his hotel room (following God knows what). After being at the party for some time, Demi took a break from the Hollywood debauchery, and getting shit-faced with people half her age, to step into the hall and make a phone call. Ashton happened to hear her on the phone, saying good night to her children. He was so moved that he told her it was "the most beautiful thing" he'd ever heard. And so, they started to text. The rest is recorded in the anals of true love history.

This story brought to you by Demi on her recent visit to Regis and Kelly.

I don't think I even need to say anything about this. I think it speaks for itself. All right, I'm going to say it. It is my opinion that Ashton did not have a good realtionship with his Mom. Okay. There you go.

The Best of Waking up...

I just saw an online ad for foldgers. I haven't had a television in close to a year (netflix, baby) so I don't get to see commercials much anymore. And I have to say if they are all as devoid of reality as this one was, it's no wonder why the millions of Americans in the flyover states look like bitter prunes before they hit thirty--all that bullshit has to do something to your exterior.

So, some boring looking blond woman who could be 23 or 33 runs into her Dad in the kitchen. And he's all, "you got in late last night." and she's all, "yeah...it won't be mattering anymore." Then she pulls out an engagement ring and Dad is all of a sudden taken with emotion and not at all concerned that she was late, but tells her that her fiance is a lucky man, which is what he told him when the beau asked for her hand in marriage the week before. So many things wrong with that scene.

If that girl is old enough to get engaged, then she is WAY too old to be living at home. If that girl is old enough to get engaged, then she is WAY too old to have her father questioning what time she comes home at night. And if she is in a serious enough relationship to get engaged, then it's none of her Dad's business that she was late b/c she may or may not have been fucking her boyfriend, which is what the commercial implies. And it is beyond archaic that fucking her boyfriend all of a sudden becomes okay once he puts a ring on her finger. And that he goes from the "bad" boyfriend who kept her up late into the "good" boyfriend by asking her Dad if he could be her official fucker for an indefinite period of time. I mean we reject Freud's theories of a sexual/romantic connection with our parents and yet it's okay in our society that a father has some kind of control over his daughter's vagina and what she does with it, and who she allows to touch it, and when. There is something wrong with that.

The best part of waking up...is Foldger's in your cup. All those puritanical values in a cyclical web of caffeine goodness. Advertising pandering to the middle class while at the same time reinforcing an outdated and unnecessary belief system. DE-LISHIS.

Treatment to "be a better person"

I was on people.com just now and saw the above quote from Tiger Woods. He isn't sure how much golf he'll be playing in the future because he has to "be a better person", which inlcudes more "treatment". I'm not even sure why I thought this worth mentioning. It just seems like one of those historical markers that denotes the changing of the guard in society. Decades ago I don't think there existed the concept of treatment to "be a better person". Treatment for physical injuries, treatment for psychological diseases, yeah that existed. But treatment not to abuse the obscene amount of money and power that has been given to you, seems uh, a little far fetched. Call me old fashioned, if you will. I just feel like it's something someone is either going to do, or not. I don't know that it calls for sympathetic treatment. I would say it's action deserving of punishment.

I mean, some clever computer geeks created complex finanical instruments that fleeced a hell of a lot of people and launched a world wide recession. Should they be in "treatment" to be better people? Does that even sound like it makes sense?
"Gee, Doc, I don't know what came over me when I thought of screwing people so that I could aquire more money than I could ever spend..."
"Don't worry, Son. It's called 'not being a good person.' We'll have you ship-shape in no time."
"Wow! That's great! I didn't even know there was a cure for that."
"Of course there is! Every nefarious action is linked to a disorder that can be treated with drugs or therapy nowadays."
"Bad. Ass."

Where once we looked to God to forgive us our sins, we now look to health care professionals.

It was retarded

Possibly one of my favorite quotes from the last couple of weeks is from dear Bethany, Bethuselah, Elizabeth or simply, Bethy. We were in her bedroom talking about clothes, when I asked her what she'd paired with the skirt she had worn the previous day. She told me, and then didn't hesitate to say in a slightly disappointed way, "It was retarded."

Love. Love. Love. If you're someone who loves clothes, I mean loves clothes, you understand the mild disappointment you feel when you desparately put something together in the morning, only to later realize that it was ridiculous. But you also know the relief you feel when you admit it to someone else, or hear it from another person about their choice(s).

Yucko

I basically have eleventy things to do today, so I should not be writing this right now. But, after the disappearance of common attributes shared by chewing gum and enconomic downturns, I can't risk another lost rant.

Okay, so there is this book, and now it's a series of articles on the interweb, called "eat this, not that". It's useful info. I read it. I like it. And I think anyone in this country especially could benefit from knowing how unhealthy chain restuarant-prepared food is--particularly when a place exudes a healthy(ish) persona. Panera Bread, I'm talking about you.

But today the "eat this, not that" people did an article on what is in fast food meat. They exposed certain items that you would think have just a few ingredients (like chicken nuggets, or a frosty) that in fact have about 30. BIG FUCKING DEAL, I say facetiously.

I am so tired of the the "ick" factor played up by nutritionists and dieticians. Look, if you've got half a brain you know that fast food is basically all chemical, and not healthy. Does it really matter if you're eating Grade A prime rib or cornmeal filler that tastes just like it? Are the chemicals edible? Yep. Do they taste good? Yes. Will they kill you outright? No. Will they kill you slowly, over decades, if consumed at extremely high rates? Proably. But so will cigarettes, which also have way too many ingredients. (Ironically, marijuana, which does not kill people, is illegal) What is my point here? Uh...

I don't care. I don't fucking care if my burger is half rat or contains .000000000000002% fecal matter or will evaporate in a puff of smoke if the light hits it a certain way. Its contents are a moot point considering that I already know I'm doing myself a disservice by consuming it.

It Just Comes Naturally

I was going to write this in a private journal entry but I thought, meh, might as well make it public. I haven't posted on this thing in a while, which is kind of too bad; it means that my intellectual musings have been fewer, and that worries me. I did find a scribble on a note pad the other day that said, "The Recession = Chewing gum". I have no recollection of how I was going to equate the two. We all lose out when an idea like that has been forgotten.

I've been hung over all day promising myself that I would write some articles tonight, considering all the things I want to buy and that I didn't write any on Friday. But after doing my prelim research on traditional Spanish Christmas food, I just didn't have the heart. It got me thinking about all of the things I WANT to do, and how I'm letting my day-to-day activities get in the way of that. I've been trying to work harder, and procrastinate less. Work hard, play hard. But what seems to come naturally to me is not diligence; it's pure slothfulness. I've always been lazy, my whole entire life. The idea of being occupied every minute until I fall into bed is repulsive to me. However, I'm at that age where I need to be rapaciously sewing the seeds that bear the fruit of a good income. And don't get me wrong, I don't mind being busy...I just also need time to be lazy. Would that we could all do what comes naturally.

New Phrase

I was on gchat today with bunnifer and he kind of...was in an impatient mood and flipped his shit a little. If you're reading this Bun, you did. : )

Anyway, the new phrase for the week is "Silverback bananas" and/or "Chimping out". It's when you act like a primate. Like a majestic Silverback defending his territory growling and flailing, or like a chimp who gets uncomfortable because someone gets too close to the plexiglass.