It's official

I'm a bad person. I started out making fun of what celebrities say...because it's hilarious to make fun of a.) people who are dumb but don't know it, and b.) people who take themselves way too seriously. But I've slipped recently into making fun of what celebrities wear, which is completely subjective and just plain mean-spirited. But...I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.



Anne Hathaway's stylist, Rachel Zoe, must have been too busy feeding herself on vintage shopping (and pretending her husband isn't gay) to help Anne dress for a casual walk with her boyfriend...and this is the result:



That's a pink chiffon scarf wrapped around her neck, it's difficult to see but really makes the outfit.

Saturday night

In bed with Beth (my cuz)

After I explained to Beth what compressed air was, she had this to say, "oh. I've never heard of that. You can use my breath. I have a strong jet stream." Uh...Beth, really?

In catching up on our daily blogs and looking at a picture of Heidi and Spencer...

Beth: How long do you think they'll be married?

me: Forever

Which led to us listening to this http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-17-heidi-montag-wont-stop-2, looking up the lyrics and engaging in a spontaneous kareoke session in which we wholeheartedly attempted to learn the song.

Me: Okay, first of all THAT [what just happened] does not leave this room. Second of all, we just discovered a way to do at home kareoke whenever we please with youtube and elyrics.com.

Beth: Yeah, and you can add alcohol too if you want!

Finally, looking for the thirtieth time today at Forever 21 and either lambasting the trashy fashions, or getting excited about something "cute"...we came across a white, linen jumper.

Beth: I tried that on, it's weird.

Me: Oh, really, this?

Beth: Yeah, I felt like I was wearing a diaper. I felt like I was a baby.

Me: That is weird.

As Always

Beyonce manages to grease herself into something that doesn't fit.

I wish I had the combined powers of limitless funds and the house of Dereon to achieve the same feat.

Ladies and Gents..PRE-SEN-TING the world's youngest looking septuagenarian!

Don't act like you haven't thought exactly the same thing yourself.

The question is, if everyone knows, why isn't anyone talking about it?

Promises...Promises

So, I have all of these ideas about ongoing segments for this blog...which I don't seem to be very good at following through with.

• Making fun of celebrity quotes
• Urban Dictionary words of the day
• Bunipedia
• Favorite People in History
• philosophical ruminations

I am posting this as a reminder to myself...and I swear that when I get done with school I'm going to keep up with these.

Things that are starting to get on my nerves

1.) Ingenue/starlet/"I gave someone a blowjob for my fifteen minutes" type of girl steadfastly adhereing to a hippie/boho style of dress, as if this somehow validates her sense of fashion. Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens...etc.
1a.) The fact that Zac Effron hasn't broken up with Vanessa Hudgens yet. I mean he seems like a cool guy.
1b.) The fact that I care.

2.) Once you've seen about 200 of them, movies start to become copies of copies of copies and are pretty f-ing boring. There hasn't been a new horror movie villain worth being afraid of in probably two decades. Nameless zombies, romantic vampires, and vengeful ghosts are starting to make me feel like Bill Murray in Groundhoug day. COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW. At the very least give us the ghost of a deceased vampire (replete with a stake in his heart) who is seeking revenge for his once mortal mother who was turned into a zombie.

3.) Jessica Simpson dressing badly. I'm fucking tired of it, Jess. You're a sexy woman with a sexy body and for some reason you just cannot get it together to wear something that flatters it -- ever. The lucky thing about being curvy is that you don't have to stay a size zero and you can still be hot, but you have to know how to dress yourself or hire someone else who does.
3a.) when people use the term "curvy" as a euphamism for fat, so that when a person refers to "curvy" women or a "curvy" woman everyone thinks they mean fat...curvy, imo, is having tits and an ass AND a waist. Fat is not. This word should be a huge compliment, and unfortunately makes non-skinny girls everywhere cringe when they hear it b/c of its misuse. And that grinds my gears.

Gwyneth and I might be soul mates

From Goop:

"I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie)."

And I was just wondering the other day to myself, "If Gwyneth Paltrow had to define what her day job is, what exactly would that be?"

It's kind of like she can read my mind.

It's gonna be a boy...or is already, technically

Congrats to April and Garth Bungard of the Ace Deuce, MI. May your baby be enormously fat, well endowed, and well tempered. I'll miss our wild nights on the town, but chubby baby feet is a fair trade.

Ben

I think the following exerpts from a recent gchat with Ben speak for themselves...

Benjamin: Were they filming one of those truth commercials? Smoking kills homeless people.
Benjamin: I found out what your sweedish friend does for a living: http://www.autospies.com/news/Swede-Works-On-Perfecting-Driver-s-SEX-Seat-Police-NOT-Happy-42991/
Benjamin: hahahaha it just keeps getting better
Benjamin: word, I always follow vajayjay as well just not my own obviously hardy hoo
Benjamin: They ARE kids! College punks There is a porn star who is a barista at the starbucks in m___'s building
Benjamin: dude, I READ YOUR BLOG
Benjamin: but fuck, my apartment feels crowded because of paper mail, and books
I want to punch everyone that wears Ray Bans in the face
me: but reading [books] on a computer screen...it's just so...tacky
Benjamin: And I am SO afraid of being tacky
like if I wasn't tacky i'd get more pussy?
me: no, b/c you're married, and that's your own fault
Benjamin: theoretical pussy
pussy as a currency
like cigs in jail
Benjamin: The worst thing you can do for hipsters is to look at them when they walk by
Then you've given them self purpose
by looking at them you are supporting their behavior
I prefer to pretend they don't even exist.
they are co-dependent on attention
without it they have no power
me: What's with the hipster rant?
Benjamin: I dunno
me: The girl D__ is fucking is a total hipster. So much so that she denies it...and then gives it a different name!
Benjamin: Which OF COURSE means you are
me: I'm blogging you
Benjamin: alright I'm big time now
me: you know it

This might be the gayest scarf that ever lived

Someone should write its life story.

A tale of love, loss, giving in and, hopefully, redemption.

So, picture it...you love your shoes. You may be male, or female (in particular), but somewhere in your life you realized that buying shoes made you feel great. There are endless varieties to pick from, and there's something about the perfect shoe that just clinches a look, and thusly a feeling. When you know you're turned out, you have an extra hop in your step, people see the confidence and they respect you for it. The sun shines a little brighter, the birds sound a little more harmonic...ahh the prospect of a beautiful day that a pair of shoes can bring. As you grow you also realize that to some extent, "shoes make the man", a style is also a persona that you try on. You buy birkenstocks when you decide that you're going to run away to burning man the first chance you get, you buy boots for winter and rain, flats to feel like audrey, heels to feel like Marilyn, and everything in between. You love your shoes.

--but wait!--

One day your parents sit you down and tell you that at a certain time in your life to be determined by yourself (you'll know when it's right) you will have to give up every pair of shoes you have ever owned. Every shoe you've tried on and worn and loved cannot be kept. Naturally throughout your life you'll try on as many shoes as you possibly can in anticipation of this day. As you get older and closer to that "age" you might even go on a shoe buying or trying on frenzy. You have nightmares about it, horrible nightmares where you remember a pair from long ago, mourn its passing only to realize that it's still there in your closet -- for the time being. Your parents try to comfort you and tell you that you won't have to be shoeless...oh no that would be too cruel. You can pick one pair, and only one, to wear for the rest of your life...it doesn't have to be a pair you've owned, but it's better that you try them on for a while first. There is one, small caveat, don't choose a pair too late, or else you'll be bound to barefootedness forever. You put it out of your head when you're still young, but every time you think of the inescabable reality, you shiver with trepidation at the loss of your freedom to choose from a variety of shoes.

As you get older you start to think about what kind of shoes would be best for the long haul. Something with comfortable durability that will have faded looks after a while or maybe an old favorite whose looks have already faded so there are few surprises. But maybe a great looking pair, I mean go big or go home right? They might pinch your feet, maybe they'll never be comfortable but man will they make you feel good walking down the street...you think about older pairs and how they compare to newer ones. You think of digging out old ones, or wish you hadn't sold some in a yard sale years ago (they were hardly used)...finally the time comes and you know it. And since you've waited until the last minute and are more afraid of barefootedness than having only one pair, you decide to just love the ones you're with. Over time, hopefully they grow on you in a way you couldn't have concieved when you picked them, and if you're lucky you come to think that this pair was meant for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how most straight men think about vaginas (except for the part about yard sales, obviously you can't sell vaginas at yard sales, it's allegorical)*

*If you're a woman and have a problem being compared to shoes, I suggest you start a blog and write an entertaining yet articulate refutation.

Vegans: I don't understand you

I don't know anyone who is a vegan, and I'm not close with anyone who is a vegetarian either. I'm a strict omnivore myself (leaning more on the carnivorous side), so it's hard for me to um get why people have an ethical problem with eating meat, and then go even a step further by not touching anything that came from an animal whatsoever.

I don't know if you guys know this, but evolutionary science posits that our growth in brain size and function is largely due to an increase in protein consumption by our ancestors. Let me tell ya, we weren't getting it from plants. As scavengers, we started to suck the bone marrow out of dead animals...ewww yucky, right? Except if that had never happened you wouldn't have the conginitive ability to decide ethical issues. So, I guess what was good for the goose, is not good for the gander?

I don't have to tell you people that meat and eggs and cheese have vital nutrients that our bodies absorb so that they better function, and I guess I don't have to point out the dichotomy that goes along with being "natural", yet heading off to GNC to take man-made vitamin supplements.

But I do wonder, Vegans of the world, why is it you seem to think that animals care whether or not you eat them? I mean really. Sure every living being is bilogically predisposed to preserve its own life whenever possible, but that doesn't mean Bessie's ghost is going to damn you to hell fire for doing what is your biological predisposition. And certainly not for eating her unfertilized eggs, or taking her honey.

I believe animals should be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. But I also believe that they have a better primal understanding of the circle of life than we do, and as they eat other animals they have no concept of right and wrong when it comes to eating them.

PS -- if you're a vegan for "health reasons", you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but seriously. Get to a gym, and get some protein if you want to be healthy.

PPS--Someone told me recently that veganism is partly based on the idea that any living thing with a nervous system can feel pain...ergo you shouldn't eat any animal product or byproduct. That line of reasoning literally makes no sense and implies a serious detachment from reality.